Christian Blake Clark, my godson would have been 6 on May 28th. I went to his grave and threw him the best party I could. I hope he had a spectacular Heavenly party. I love and miss you sweet baby of mine<3 I gave him a happy birthday sign, pin wheels, a new flag banner as his old one was way too worn out, a angel plaque that says Faith and a small Mickey from Disney! I was glad I was able to have this somber party with him. I remember a time I'd see him everyday. My baby would help me at work and even have sleep overs with me... although he wasn't too keen on the sleeping part! I wish we could have made more memories together for I think it is now those memories we never made that I grieve. The things you always dream of doing with your child and yet his life was cut short and they were never done. All the things I've done with my own two children I always imagined doing with him first. The playdates we'll never have. All those huge 1sts we've already missed and the ones we will miss. As I was at his grave it came to me... am I the reason he was meant to come here to be our sweet lil man and then to loose him? I mean everyone has a purpose they say and I have searched for so long for his purpose... what was the sence in giving us this very unexpected yet unconditionally loved little boy and just to snatch him away from us less than 2 months later? So as I was up there I wondered. Was his purpose to show me I could trust again, I could have a friend, that friend would be loyal and 100000x committed to being what a real friend is. She wouldn't stab me in the back and even when we may disagree in reality nothing would really ever come between us? After all I had already decided and completely resigned to being a loner and having no friends so I would feel no more pain no more back stabbing and the teenage drama and rejection I grew to know too well. Then out the blue I made a friend without really meaning to at work. We grew undenyable close like best friends do from that August until our baby boy came. She allowed me to be super involved in her baby's life and her pregnancy-- which is one of a very few hobbies I completely loved. So in all this rambling I want to thank you Blake for giving me the most precious and expensive and life long gift, a best friend a secret sister. I just wish it could have been different and that you could have grown up with a special aunt and an amazing mommy. I love you more than I can describe and now nearly 6 years since you died my heart still ached uncontrollably for you. I still miss you so much and that is how I learned to love unconditionally through an innocent baby who taught me more in life in his 8 months pre-birth and less than two months after birth than I have learned in my other 23 years combined! I love you Angel and I always will that will never change.
I did find it Ironic that I took my pictures all in order... didn't erase any yet when I go to view them, these pictures of Blake are all scattered throughout Anthony's graduation ones. I guess Blake was letting me know he saw it! He would have been graduating from Kindergarten this year.
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